Let’s talk getting over your ex. Whether you’ve been broken up with, been the heartbreaker or are in that in between place…Ending relationships is just fucking hard. Moving on is not something we’re really taught how to do. I think one thing that we get really good at is learning how to replace people before fully healing. We hear from friends, from family, other people to go find someone better or that you’ll be able to find someone just like them...the fact is, part of getting over your ex isn’t replacement, it’s about learning how to be happy in yourself and learning how to start to cope alone.
By doing this, you can go into your next relationship with better understanding how to love and be loved. Ending things is a new beginning. I think having the expectation that you have to get better for somebody else isn’t the way we should be looking at how to hold a relationship. You should be trying to get better communication and relationship skills for your own heart and in your own life so you can better understand your mind first. Stalking your ex at 2 AM on Instagram and looking at their new partner isn’t the way to do that. When we revisit old relationships in an unhealthy way we start to open up doors that lead to nowhere. We get jealous, insecure, worry about things that have nothing to do with our situations.
There are three, I think really important, things that have to happen at the end of a relationship so that way you can be more open with yourself be more open with your ex-partner.
No. 1: Reflection...How did things end? What was the relationship like? Looking back on the relationship as a whole to remember good times and reasons why you decided to be in the relationship. It can be a beneficial recognition of what was good for your heart, in contrast thinking of the not so pleasant moments can help you see what was bad. A chance to look at action vs. intent. Whether it’s good or bad, It can live in a place where you can make the decision and you can be in control of the situation rather than the old relationship being in control of what’s happening for you in that moment.
No.2: Find a support system…Do you have community who can you reach out to you when you’re in that sad/mad/negative thought space? Who can you send a text or call at any time, where it’s going to live with them and nowhere else? Where can say all the things that you ever wanted to say? “fuck you”, “you’re horrible”, Or “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I want you to come back” etc. By doing this, you can have the satisfaction of getting something out without the emotions having to be confronted in that moment. This doesn’t mean to avoid that person or avoid talking to them but in the moments when we are most emotional we aren’t thinking with our whole mind, we’re not thinking in a holistic way and we’re definitely not thinking in a way that is going to serve our hearts or our minds. Finding that person or space helps create balance. They know that the time that you’re going through is hard but you’re going to get over it. They are there as reinforcement of the decision and recognition that you still are in control of what happens next.
No.3: Set Intentions…What does setting intentions look like? It’s way to know what’s coming next for you. This doesn’t look like saying I’m going to do everything I can to get that person back or making long-term goals but it looks more like setting a goal for today. Small starts like, I’m not going to look at their Instagram or I’m going to learn a new way to love myself. These small intentions can build into larger ones like: In weeks I want to reach out to them and thank them for all the good times we had and also recognize that the relationship is over.
Getting over your ex isn’t a requirement to moving on in relationship with new people. It helps to continue to be open to meeting new people. Know that each new connection is different and stop comparing new experiences to old pain.
There’s no perfect formula to forgetting people. There’s no magic way to get them off your mind but their damn sure are things you can do in the interim to really help yourself heal and move past what was. Transforming yourself into being present, being mindful about what is and who you are.
That’s all I got to say today. I know it isn’t really the vengeful, crazy, spiteful advice that we may crave when we’re going through the end of relationship rollercoaster. But until they come back, if they come back…your life is about you and you’re fucking bad ass! You’re hot, you’re sexy, and you have so many opportunities with so many other people.
A case of the ex